Refocusing

So it's been a rough past 48 hours. I have this bad life pattern that I fall into time and time again. I got called on it today.
I expect so much out of myself. When I don't reach my expectation for myself, I loose it. It's all or nothing in my life standards, there is no room to fail, and when I do I give myself Hell. I tell myself I am stupid, and I shame and guilt myself into thinking that there is no hope to fix it. Then as I am falling I don't sleep so I can think I'm getting even more done, and I don't eat because I don't have time to eat, and am accompanied with anxiety attacks, then before I know it I'll be in this state for a week or more.
A lot of it has to do with my younger years growing up, I've always struggled with self esteem issues. Teachers have called me stupid, people have just been cruel to me. I guess the mentality I have is, prove that I am a good person, and not stupid. But I end up hating myself more than anyone ever could. I hate me for hating me. Vicious cycle. I made so many bad mistakes and before I knew I was reading every book that would help me become a better person, I buying everything I could to be a better Allison, because Allison has so many problems and shortcomings.
So I was ordered today by one of my professors at school to refocus, and was given a talk. Refocusing involves sleeping, eating, breathing most importantly, and getting back into the world, and realizing I am human and will fail.
I need to keep learning that I am a child of God, who saved me by grace and mercy, and His blood and not the works that I can come up with. That Jesus loves me just as I am, warts and all. I have to learn how to love myself. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to break this pattern, I have to learn how to get into a new way of thinking about myself. Pray for me as I learn this path, and as I refocus myself.

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