God Loves me in my Darkness - Hymn for the Wounded

Coming home last weekend from a visit to family in Tennessee, my heart was so heavy with all sorts of burdens.  Tears escaped my eyes all day.  On the ride down the mountain I was quiet as my brother drove, every once in a while a tear dripping down my cheek.  I didn't want to feel all of  this, I had been silently crying at my desk that week anticipating the visit.  My anxiety and panic was through the roof, I announced, "I'm not going."  But I had to go, I'm in the Lord's Army.  So here I was, serving my family in a difficult situation and fully loving them with all my heart and emotions.  I wrapped my arms around them, and I loved them right where they were.  I couldn't speak, just tears.

God reached down to me and comforted my heart with a song, and on the mountain I penned...

"God Loves me in my darkness, and calls me to His light, He is reaching out for me, bringing me back to His side.  God loves me in my failures, and calls me to be right.  He was lifted up for me, on a cross He died.

My wounds were deep, my sin deeper too.  Add still your grace deeper, flows down in my wounds.  No more let shame keep you to hide.

God loves me in my wanderings, He left the ninety-nine.  The shepherd is coming out for me, coming seeking to find.  God loves me in my warfare, He sends angels to fight, they will surround me and keep me on all sides.

God loves me in my questions, of when I ask, "Why?"  In many doubts and confusion, still in Him I'll confide.  God loves me in giving no answer, giving His Spirit abides, Unto His Kingdom, Jesus is Singing, "You are mine!"

My wounds were deep, my sin deeper too.  Add still your grace deeper, flows down in my wounds.  No more let shame keep you to hide."

I spent years trying to cover up my darkness.  Fighting it.  I bought the lie this culture tells that because you're depressed you need a prescription, you're mentally ill.  Aren't we all depraved?!  It played a role in my life, and maybe I did need to be on it for a time, but I'm so thankful I took back control of my life and began to fight.  No matter how bad I felt, I would fight to be me again.  I've been off antidepressants now almost a year.  Have I had panic attacks?  Oh yeah!  Have I had anxiety?  Yes!  Have I suffered depressive moments, yes.  My emotions have been all over the place, and that's normal!  God gave us emotions, but more than that He gave us Himself to help us deal with them.

I've been pondering a statement a favorite pastor of mine said.  Pastor Brett of Athey Creek in Portland Oregon preaches through the Bible, verse by verse chapter by chapter.  He was preaching from 2 Corinthians where Paul was talking about a thorn in his side that kept him humble.  I have always felt like my thorn was my struggle with depression....so many thorns it feels like.  Pastor Brett said, "Thank God David (in the Bible) wasn't on antidepressants, we wouldn't have the Psalms if we didn't have David crying out to God to save Him."  (I definitely paraphrased this)  I thought of that as I penned the hymn God had given me.  Thank God that even though I didn't want to face the pain and emotions and uncertainty that's going on right now, that I trusted God with it, and I felt it all.  And my tears spoke to Him a language only He can interpret.  I wouldn't have penned this beautiful hymn without having first felt the pain, and God coming to comfort.

God really loves us in our darkness and failures.  Cry out to Him as David:

O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.   Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled.   My soul also is greatly troubled;
But You, O Lord—how long?
  Return, O Lord, deliver me!
Oh, save me for Your mercies’ sake!   For in death there is no remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give You thanks?   I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears.   My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies.
  Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity; For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.   The Lord has heard my supplication; The Lord will receive my prayer.  
Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled; Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly. (Psalm 6)

May you kiss the darkness that leads to the light of Christ.  May you embrace the thorns that humble you to know there is sin in this world, but Jesus wore the thorns and conquered them!

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