The Meaning of Suffering

“But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,
    and he will stand upon the earth at last!
And after my body has decayed,
    yet in my body I will see God!
 I will see him for myself.
    Yes, I will see him with my own eyes.
    I am overwhelmed at the thought!"

Job 19:25-27

    It's been a while since I have written on here.  I've been tucked away thinking about life, and learning how to live.  Usually, I won't post a video/song first but in this particular instance beginning with this sets the tone for what I want to bring forth in this post.  I realize the title of this blog is undertaking a huge chunk...a set up almost because so many ask this question of life and want answers.  I can't say that I have all the answers, and I will disappoint you.  However, don't shy away from my sharing what God has revealed and taught me.

None of us will truly know or maybe even experience the depth of what Job endured.  We enjoy being martyrs of ourselves, and persecuted of others who dare disagree with us.  Thus we indulge in victimization and end up very unhealthy patterns of rock throwing and anger.  

The beginning of this month marked a year since my visit to a Behavioral Health Hospital here in Charlotte for treatment of a severe mental breakdown I suffered during the pandemic last year.  I've had many breakdowns before, suffered mentally most of my life, I've known suffering in many ways.  This past year I've worked hard toward understanding and analyzing myself, trying to answer the question of why?!  Why do things go dark?  Why am I scared to live?  Why do I deal with all these side effects?  Last month I began to journal in a beautiful spiral bound journal my very best friend gave me for my birthday.  It has a sloth on the front and reminds me to slow down and enjoy the moment.  It's okay to be in Sloth mode sometimes.  Sometimes we go so fast through life we gotta hurl!  Kinda like the revolving door at work, try not to let that hit ya in the butt on the way in and out!  Or smack your pretty little face in the glass either!  Life is hard!  

I willed to myself that I was going to "get a certain word out of my vocabulary.  I want it out of my mind, and as an option, it has no part of my life anymore" I wrote in my phone as a note to myself.  "I'm drawing the line.  I will no longer utter that word, though it is a part of my story.  It's as dead to me as it's meaning.  I detach myself from that word, idea, and thought."  Did it work?  I think it's too early to tell, but I don't dwell on it.  I don't know that we can will or think things away.  So I began to focus my mind on "How can I suffer better?"  If I can't get rid of suffering, or certain words, or feelings, or thoughts, what do I do to endure the pain to the glory of God?  What can I do as I lay suffering in silence with no one to reach out to?  

God answered my prayer through Chip Ingram.  My late minister of music taught the choir from Chip Ingram studies over the years.  It just so happened Chip was speaking on suffering, and I was able to tune in take note in my sloth journal some of what suffering means and how to do it well. 

"We are not called to merely gaze in awe of Christ's suffering.  We are called to follow in His footsteps." -Chip Ingram

Jesus was the suffering Savior, the cross was His suffering.  Probably even being fully human was suffering.  Jesus commanded that we take up our own crosses.  What is my cross of suffering?  Depression and really horrible thoughts.  What aren't we healed of these present sufferings?  We have to endure just as Jesus endured the cross.  Scripture states over and over, "blessed are those who endure to the end!"  A theology that is devoid of personal suffering sets believers up for bitterness and disappointment with God when life inevitably does not go their way.  So I must entrust my soul to my faithful Creator.  My heavenly Father who is sovereign and good, all wise and will work it all to His glory and my good. 

Not only do we identify with Christ in His suffering, we endure the voices of the Devil and his hateful demons.  Paired with mental darkness, and illness, that shit is scary!  Pardon my french, but if you ever lived that, that's a good word!  The feeling of existing in literal Hell devoid of God...that's what it feels like in my head.  And well meaning people tell me,  Just pray Allison, sing praise music, just do____give me a verb....You know you are loved, and cared for.  Hard to believe that laying in a bed alone that feels like a grave.  You may as well throw dirt in my face.  That's just the humans talking to me.  You don't want to know what the demons are saying.  And so in the days that my mind is right, I am training myself to be mindful, and alert.  I'm shouting at the Devil, drowning out the voices of despair with the louder voices and truth of the Gospel.  NO I HAVE NOT BEEN ABANDONED!  I HAVE NOT BEEN FORSAKEN!  GOD'S WORD TELLS ME AND JESUS' DEATH PROVES IT!  I AM NOT CONDEMNED!  GOD IS GOOD, AND HE IS AT WORK!  I will tell my depression it's days are numbered even if it lasts until my dying breath, it will be vanquished as I escape to everlasting joy.  My life ends in ultimate victory with my Savior in Heaven.  

 I know there is a disappointment, and rejection and exhaustion in your life.  There isn't one prophet or disciple of Christ that hasn't experienced that too!  There isn't a human being on this earth that hasn't experienced it.  Only God can give it meaning.  Satan would love for it to take you or me out.  His job description is easy: kill, steal, destroy.  But God...only God redeems.  Is it dead?  Jesus was too.  Were you stolen from?  God restores and gives back more than was stolen.  Is your life and world destroyed?  God rebuilds.  Just this weekend I looked back over the last 10-12 years of my life and I realized why God didn't let a lot of things happen that I wanted to happen.  Don't think I didn't beat the door down and wait a long time in the hallway hoping God would change His mind.  

As I am relearning life I can look back and see where God had tried to pull me away from things before, and I was just too scared to leave what I knew.  If there is one thing I can leave you with it's this.  Know the one Jesus of the Gospel.  Let Him open your eyes to His love, forgiveness, and finished work of the cross.  You don't have to be scared anymore.  You are okay.  Take a nap, drink some sweet tea....take another nap, eat your favorite meal, and just take a deep breath.  It's okay.  Cry a minute.  These are things we forget to do.  When Elijah wanted to die, God came to him with some bread and water, and said "Here!  Eat, drink, and take you a nap, you'll feel better."  You are loved, and this all means something.  

FURTHER READING:

https://livingabovethesun.blogspot.com/2020/02/shattered.html