My Healing Journey

 

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

This summer I suffered a severe mental breakdown that put me in behavioral health hospital for a little over a week.  The quote above was written outside my door.  This had been building for the past decade or two and our present conditions made the perfect storm for everything to burst open.  It was a sinking feeling when my primary care physician looked at me and said, "There's nothing more I can do to help you."  She told my friend who had taken me to see her that morning to take me directly to Behavioral Health Hospital on Billingsly, don't go home to get anything, don't stop on the way.  She told me based on all I had spilled to her that I didn't have time, that I could only go on a few more months in the condition I was in mentally.

I was assessed by many doctors and nurses.  I had to strip, searched and put on scrubs to make sure I didn't have any weapons or drugs, and to make sure I didn't have any other self injury places on me.  Based on my assessment it was determined I should be admitted for further observation.  My medications were changed and they did a full take over in my care.  In the first 24 hours I was placed under isolation and had a COVID test.  I was not allowed to leave the room but just to use the restroom.  As you can imagine sleeping in a Mental Health Hospital Emergency Department was literal hell.  I heard and saw things I wish I had never heard.  

The next evening I was transported to a facility in Davidson that would better be able to treat my diagnoses of PTSD, major reoccurring depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety.  I was again searched and given a clean pair of scrubs to put on.  Kinda felt like prison.  They gave me a sleeping pill and helped me relax.

The next morning I met with a team of doctors, my case worker, therapist, psychiatrist, and nurses who all did a fantastic job in helping me and encouraging me.  I was able to be apart of group therapy sessions which I really benefited from just to be with people, even if I didn't know them.  It felt safe because we were all in there facing similar issues.  My therapist that I met one on one with was very proud of the work I had done so far, the insight and thought I had put into my past in trying to make everything make sense.  We learned great coping, discipline and management skills, we set goals for ourselves, things we can focus on.  It was very empowering.  

The truth about trauma is this:

Trauma and hurt can be a gift, as we heal it makes our heart bigger to receive more and give more compassion.  Trauma develops an antenna to detect real and fake. 

Sometimes we aren't real with ourselves, the trauma and abuse can cause us to believe things that aren't true and enable bad behavior.  As human beings made in God's image we are deserving at least of being treated with dignity and respect.  We are worth the work we put into ourselves, and we shouldn't allow other people to trash it.  We have to forgive ourselves often.  There are so many questions to ask ourselves in a day and hold ourselves accountable to.  What strengths am I focusing on?  How am I staying engaged in the moment so that it is enjoyed and not missed through screens?  What is my way of interpreting what's going on around me; my perception?  How can I turn negatives into positives?  How am I managing my anger?  As with anything in life, the more these disciplines are practiced and others help to hold you accountable to them, the easier it becomes to be in control of ourselves and behaviors and moods.  

In the below video I share a story and song  of a moment I shared with my therapist one day.  (I apologize for saying 'UM' 15 million times, nervous tick!!)  I wrote a little chorus while in the hospital from a moment I experienced with her:

Jesus you have touched my heart

Oh how you love me so

And you have filled my mind

I know I'm not alone.

The darkest place your eyes can see

Even deep inside of me

Still you love me so. 

Oh how you love me so.

In closing I would like to share a prayer I wrote in my journal during that time.  As an update post hospitalization, I still see a therapist, and my psychiatrist, I was on disability for 2 months.  By God's grace and strength I have returned full time to work since August and am doing so well.  In my firm I was recently named a Volunteer Honoree for my initiative to feed the homeless during the COVID crises, I was nominated in a society I belong to as being a member of the year because of my service volunteer work I perform.  I'm so very thankful.  

A Prayer

Many of us are hurting, Lord, and we sometimes feel alone in our struggle.  This world seems to senseless, so brutal, and so evil at times; we feel powerless, overwhelmed, and even sick inside.  We look to you, Oh God, for your mercy and power.  Help us accept what we cannot change and to completely trust in Your great healing to come, despite the depravity of this world around us.  Remind us that though we cannot change the world, we are given grace to sustain our trust in You, our glorious and merciful healer.  May we never be ashamed, may we never grow bitter, may our sorrows lead us from strength to strength.  And may this time of testing lead us to greater wisdom to deeper compassion, and back to You!

Amen